2020 RECAP!!

Every year I am SO embarrassed to log onto my website after a crazy fall and see how far my blogging fell behind. Every year I vow to do better with it and every year I start strong and theeeeeeeen boom life and busy season hit and blogging goes out the window. I had SO many incredible sessions last year but 2020 was a year unlike any other. Words cannot even begin to describe the insanity of this past year and the emotions that shook every single person’s life. But as this year came to an end there was also much to celebrate. With extra time at home we were safe and healthy and really able to focus on our time together as a family. I am so grateful for that extra time as it benefited Finley and I think really benefited us as parents too. Sure being cooped up had its difficulty but overall 2020 gave us so much to be thankful for.

The year started off strong and I was incredibly motivated after completing my best year yet. January-March started better than most winter months and I was fully booked for April and into May. When all of the lockdowns hit I was devastated and terrified. Like most families there was no warning for one if not both family members income coming to complete standstill with so much uncertainty in sight. Panic certainly set in and I had to figure out a way to make the most of my time not working. In that time I began becoming interested in plants and by the end of the summer had a full fledged garden in the backyard and on my deck. Fin was my assistant gardener and we had a blast learning about plants and exploring garden centers. It was incredible! We were able to grow herbs, a few veggies, and sunflowers. We also made the decision to completely redo my studio space. It had been something I had needed and wanted to do for years and we finally made it happen. Now it is so much more cozy and certainly reflects my business style and brand. I am obsessed!

As Covid restrictions started to lift I was fortunate to be able to reopen for outdoor sessions and then shortly after indoor sessions. I am so thankful for the flexibility, patience, and overall understanding of my clients that allowed me to do so. This year alone I photographed 152 sessions and met 53 new families. The highlight of the year was capturing the newest additions of past clients whose other kiddos I also photographed. I even had the amazing opportunity to photograph my first home birth, and caught lightning on camera 3 times! This year gave me the time to really push myself creatively and feel like I truly honed in on my style and was able to express my artistic vision with each session. Every single on of these families holds a special place in my heart as they stood by me and supported my business through the most challenging year for small businesses. The trust you have had in me to safely photograph your families and newborns is truly a blessing and what kept me going all year. It is because of you that I crushed my goals for the year and saw my business only increase since 2019. THANK YOU. There are so many times in business you feel defeated or uncertain and having new and returning faces contact me with exciting news of pregnancies or wanting updated photos is the best part of my job. Every year I try to do a recap of some of my favorite images and this year was SOOOO tough. Once again I narrowed it down to well over 250 images and made Jeremy narrow it down for me :) Thank you everyone again for supporting me and my business!! I am so excited to tackle whatever 2021 throws my way and cannot wait to meet you!

GENERATION SESSION | FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHER | MANASSAS, VIRGINIA

I have really enjoyed photographing and getting to know this gorgeous family the last few years. So when Maria wanted a generation photo shoot I was ALL about it. I have started shooting more of these sessions and the more I do them the more special and important they become to me. There really is nothing more priceless than photos of our families and capturing these moments together. I loved being able to celebrate the relationship and incredible bond between these 4 gorgeous women. We had the most AMAZING sunset and everything about the location was perfection. It was really tough to narrow down the photos for the blog so here is a photo overload :)! My favorites:

THANKSGIVING WEEK AND HAPPY 27 MONTHS FINLEY <3

This week is a really special week for the Gooch house. Jeremy and I absolutely LOVE thanksgiving and actually started dating around that time (the 28th to be exact). This year we celebrate 11 years together on one of our favorite holidays. We also moved into our house 5 years ago on thanksgiving day. This house has seen a lot in those 5 years and we have shared a lot of ups and downs and some big and emotional life changes. For me personally, Thanksgiving always makes me feel hopeful and somehow rejuvenates me a little bit. We always decorate for Christmas early and both of us really try to savor the memories of our first holiday together and a lot of exciting family moments.

Thanksgiving 3 years ago we drove up to Rockville MD for my egg retrieval and were in full force of IVF. It was a really emotional time as we had just lost Jeremy’s dad a month prior and I think we were both so desperate for some sort of good news. If you know us we've had some bizarre medical mishaps that we finally had put behind us and losing his dad was an unexpected tragedy. In the span of 2 months we had experienced one of the most gut wrenching losses, followed by the most incredible miracles. Because five days later we transferred the perfect embryo and our gorgeous Finley was on her way home to us. Her embryo transfer was November 29th and a day that will forever bring the biggest smile to my face. But this year It feels a little different. Because instead of celebrating our family growing we are learning how to celebrate a new reality of us being a family of 3 (plus our little Layla pup).

Over the course of the last year we have tried so hard to build our family. And unfortunately we suffered through 3 rounds of failed cycles and losing all 4 of our remaining embryos. It has been a year of so much more pain and disappointment than I have could have ever imagined. IVF is hard to accept in general, but with each failure I felt like a little part of my soul was gone or lost. And that hope for another baby felt like it was slipping away. I was so ready for our final try and was so emotional going into it. This was it and there was really nothing else I could do, i did it all. We had just lost Oliver and I had to have hope that this last embryo was a fighter. But again, another failed pregnancy test and i felt my dreams of a bigger family come shattering down around me and I was and am devastated. There are so many complicated thoughts and feelings that constantly flood my heart and my head and this fall has been so incredibly difficult. Anyone who knows me or has worked with me knows I am not one to shy away from talking about our baby journey but this year has been a lot harder to share. After our second fail I really started to come apart and felt like I just couldn't be as available as I usually am. I became only mom, business owner, wife (sorry Jeremy) and I honestly have felt like I've been on autopilot trying to navigate these 3 roles without completely falling apart. I apologize to my friends and family who may have felt like I've gone quiet! I am still here I promise!

This year has also been by far my biggest most successful year for my business and it’s no secret I am a workaholic and this year I have worked the hardest I ever have in my life. I am sure sometimes I have over taxed myself physically but sometimes when I am grieving I try to use that hurt as a motivator to push myself into doing something meaningful. And being able to give people images of moments in their life with their family is really all that matters. The reward of this has been enormous this year and I am still in disbelief that I have hit so many goals I have had for my business.

So when I think about all these amazing anniversaries this week I don't think it was any accident that they fell on or around thanksgiving. Because I needed a reminder that everything is going to be ok. It has been a little over a month since we found out our last cycle failed I have not had one minute to breathe or grieve because I jumped head first into the busiest fall I have ever had. Some days I am ok and other days I don't want to get out of bed because I miss my dog and I miss the possibility of another baby. But this week also reminds me of how strong I am and how resilient I am. It also reminds me that I have the most incredible husband who has held me when I cannot breathe because I am crying so hard, who has found a way to make me laugh when it seems like all i do is work then cry. A man who is an unbelievable dad but also a damn good mommy when I cannot be home or I need a breather from mommying all day. This man who 11 years ago changed my life. And even now he continues to walk with me side by side through this hurricane we have gone through and makes me believe everything will be ok. While our hearts still break for the loss of our pup and the loss of our dream for another child he is here loving me when I feel like I am at my weakest.

I also am able to celebrate the most incredible little girl. Today she turns 27 months and in those 27 months she has brought Jeremy and I back to life in a way that only she could. She is a feisty, smart, and wild spirit who smiles more than anyone I have ever met. And good grief is she going to keep our lives so unbelievably full of excitement and spontaneity. As hard as this year has been for me emotionally she forces me show up and even when I want to feel sorry for myself she does something silly to snap me out of it. I think most people who struggle with infertility have a journey and an ending they didnt expect. And for me, our journey feels exhausting and frustrating to end in such a heart breaking way. But one thing I have learned through the last 7 1/2 years with this struggle in our life and it was to savor the good. I never believed my pregnancy would be the only one I had but I truly know I have captured and enjoyed every minute of that experience. So this week I am excited to hold my husband and baby girl a little closer and give our other sweet little puppy a little extra loving because they are my world and I am so lucky to have them. Happy Thanksgiving week to everyone who has followed me and supported me and my business. I am SO thankful to have met and been able to enjoy time with every single one of you and your families. Thank you thank you!! And now i am going to spam you with photos of Finley because I cannot get over how big she looks!!

AMBER 9 MONTH MILK BATH | MILESTONE SESSION | STAFFORD, VIRGINIA

I absolutely adore these gorgeous gals!!  I met Madeliza almost 2 years ago when I photographed a mutual friend's birth.  Little did I know we would shortly both become pregnant just a few months apart and that I would be following along her pregnancy and mommy hood journey.  Her beautiful baby girl Amber is such a fun little girl and absolutely GORGEOUS.  She is full of personality and sass and so much fun to photograph.  We had sa great time capturing her 9 month milestone with a milk bath.  Here are a few of my favorites!

FINLEY'S BIRTH STORY

It's OFFICIAL!!  I AM A MOMMY!! :) What a whirlwind the last 3 weeks have been.  This is really the first time I have been able to sit down and put into words how intense and how amazing and life changing this entire experience has been. 

The crazy birth excitement began Thursday August 24th, at 6:30 am with an induction at 41 weeks.  I didn't really have much of a birth plan because everyone told me the more you have your mind made up about how you want things to go, the more they go the opposite.  So my main goal was to go in open minded and not have my mind set on anything.  However, I really was hoping to not be induced or get a c-section. HA! Joke was on me because here we were at 41 weeks and nothing but several false alarms in the weeks prior.  So most of thursday was spent watching Stranger Things on Netflix and trying to rest up for when the meds got my labor to kick in. 

It did start to kick in later that day and wowee it came on fast.  I spent hours on my birthing ball, breathing through the contractions while Jeremy was putting pressure on my lower back and was making sure the Pink Floyd was playing to keep me as relaxed as possible.  This went on for what felt like forever and with each hour the contractions got closer together and started getting more intense.  I was exhausted already and I knew we still had a long way to go, and I started to debate the epidural.  For me the epidural scared me.  There is so much pressure to go all natural, and while that sounds great, knowing how slowly you are dilating and how the pain is getting worse, well it was a no brainer! Epidural please!  Honestly, it was the best decision I made because I finally got a breather and by the time they broke my water I was able to rest for a little bit.  They even did an ultrasound to make sure Finley was in the correct position and she was!  Good news!

The next morning is when things got real.  By 9 am I was fully dilated and I was ready to push.  The first set of pushing only lasted a few minutes and because Finley was not really moving down, we opted for the amazing peanut ball to help naturally progress her further without exhausting myself from pushing too early.  Hours went by and Finley started to naturally progress and it became time to push again.  Over two hours of pushing passed and I felt like she just wasn't coming. And the pain started to get worse.  The crazy thing about an epidural is yes it helps VERY well with the labor pain, but back labor is different and it doesn't do ANYTHING.  So naturally I was getting increasingly discouraged and tired.  And I was in a lot of pain.  And Finley was not coming.  We eventually had to make the call to try the vacuum in hopes that would get her out.  Cue the waterworks.  I was a mess but at this point something had to be done.  Unfortunately, she didn't budge and the doc made the call that we needed to do an emergency c-section.  I just lost it. Full blown hysterics.  I was terrified, in so much pain, and seriously freaking out.  I don't think I had ever been so scared in my entire life.  The other part of my "birth plan" was hoping I would not need a c-section.  HA! Here we go again!  The whole surgery was just bizzare!  The craziest part was Jeremy was talking to me one second and the next we heard this cry and we both yelled,"is that our baby?"  And then there she was!  The most amazing little person with a full head of black hair wailing as the doctor lifted her up for us to see her.  And here she was born at exactly 4pm.  I seriously felt like I was dreaming.  And thankfully my anesthesiologist was AMAZING and had music playing for me and talked to me the entire time when Jeremy was with Finley.  A few minutes later they brought her to me and I got to hold her for the first time.  My beautiful baby girl weighing 8lbs 11 oz and was 20 inches.  It was absolutely surreal.

Fast forward to getting back home because the next few hours and days were not the most pleasant and well that part is over! :) Recovery has been a little harder that I expected but that's because you really cannot do a lot those first few days and I had to rely heavily on Jeremy.  Who, thank God, has been AMAZING.  And if you know me I do not do well being unable to do anything and be stuck in the house.  But each week the pain has gotten less and I am able to do A LOT more.  We have really enjoyed the cuddling and the bonding and just figuring each other out.  I have been super emotional and overwhelmed at times but I think that's totally normal!  You really forget how much your body has just gone through and the emotional toll it takes on you.  Your world has completely changed and you have all these new emotions and worries and I have to remember that it's ok to cry sometimes.  My biggest reminder to myself has been to take it slow and heal and just enjoy the baby snuggles while she's still so tiny!  And also to just go with the flow and that has COMPLETELY helped me to relax and enjoy every day so much more!  Even when my little stinker has not cooperated for pictures at all!! LOL!!  I have had to accept that the 1-2 photos we get each time we attempt a photoshoot are a HUGE success.  Which is hard when you are photographer and want everything to be perfect!  So here are some of my favorite shots we have taken so far and some pictures from her birthday(thanks to my amazing hubby). Happy 3 weeks baby girl!!

Baby Gooch Diaries | Stafford, VA

    Four years ago Jeremy and I started our baby journey.  We had been married for almost two years and we were ready to start our family. I never could have imagined the emotional rollercoaster it would become and how hard on our marriage it would be.  But the things I have learned along the way have been priceless and truly have helped me to grow personally and most certainly have strengthened my relationship with Jeremy.  Along this journey we were told that we would not be able to have kids naturally.  I was devastated.  We had gone through a ton of testing and years of unsuccessful treatments and procedures and frankly it was exhausting.  Jeremy and I felt broken and i felt like for a good two years we were both just going through the motions trying to not let this tear us apart.  But we had gone through a lot with other things happening in our life that finally woke us up and realize that this wasn't something that would break us.  It made us realize that although things were hard we loved each other and that alone was worth fighting for.  We had to stop dwelling on the crappy and start living life again.  

    This past year we finally came to the conclusion that our last option was to try IVF or we don't have kids. It was a realization that really sucked. And I was frustrated and angry and sad, but the reality of not having kids for both us was not something we were ready to give up on.  So we made our decision to go for it and we finally started IVF.  We thankfully found success and truly were so lucky to have found the team of doctors at Shady Grove for making our baby dreams come true.  
    The last four years took its toll on both of us and it was not an easy road.  The highs and lows we went through were painful and I want to share some of the things I learned and did a long the way to help us get through this tough time.  Below are a few things that kept me moving forward and I hope that anyone out there who has faced or is currently facing this similar struggle can take something away from them.  Because you aren't alone.

PC:Moonrise Photography

The hardest part of this struggle was being told we would not have kids naturally.  From a young age you always think ok I will find a guy, get married, have a baby, and that was the natural progression of things. Being told something that should come so easily was not possible, well I felt like I was stabbed in the heart.  I had to grieve the loss of that idea. It may sound silly, but I truly went through the grieving process and it was hard. I was sad, in denial, furious, felt sorry for myself, the list went on.  I think the hardest thing for me was that I feared the intimacy of creating a baby with my husband was gone.  That was a tough thing to accept.  But I am here to tell you that going through IVF did NOT take that feeling away, it was just a different kind of intimacy. It was such an intense process where you have to rely 100% your spouse for so many things. There was no chance I would have been able to give myself shots in the stomach no matter how badly I wanted a baby, and Jeremy did them for me. He held my hand and comforted me when I was scared to death and reminded me every day that I could do this.  We were able to share things that I would never ever trade.  My favorite memory was the actual embryo transfer.  Together we experienced something so incredibly special and that alone made me forget all about it not happening naturally. Because for us this was our normal and it was more intimate than I could have imagined.

POSITIVITY is key!!! Most of those who know me would hopefully say that I am bubbly and positive!  But I certainly can get very pessimistic and anxious, especially when facing the unknown.  But I made a decision before we started that I refused no matter how hard, how painful, and how scary things could get that I would NOT let it defeat me. Easier said than done, right? But every single morning when I woke up I washed my face, took 3 deep breaths, and actually said out loud “I can do this.  It’s gong to work.  You will find your baby.”  And as simple as that routine was, it made everything so much more manageable because I was able to wrap my mind around the process. With every blood test I repeated it over and over in my head, and it kept me distracted. It forced me to remove the emotional side of what I was going through and focus on preparing for what was coming next.  And it really worked. It kept me focused on each individual step rather than the whole overwhelming process. I really think that is what helped me tolerate every part of the process just a little bit more.

Ignore the noise!  There is SOOOOOOO much noise all around you when you’re trying to have a baby. I lost count of how many times I was asked when we were going to have kids. I was so frustrated because I wanted to yell at people and say well I've been trying for 3 years back off and mind your own business.  Or when someone who did know we were trying would say oh you should go on vacation or just relax it'll happen. Or you're stress is too high. I wanted to scream.  I was so tired of hearing advice from people who had no idea what was really going on because they didn't know our full situation.  But I couldn't really fault them, because I think they were just trying to help or make me feel better.  I don't think a lot of people understand or know much about infertility struggles or the process unless they have faced it first hand.  Until you’re in it you can’t possible relate to what it feels like or how heartbreaking it is when people ask those kinds of questions.  Just ignore it. It’s so incredibly hard, I know, but when you start to ignore it, it starts to fade away.

Remember you are NOT alone.  At the beginning of all this I felt so scared because no one I knew had gone through this.  But I was so wrong.  It wasn't until I opened up with friends about our own infertility struggles that I found comfort in that there were so many others who had gone through the same thing. Realizing we weren't alone honestly encouraged us to keep on this fight.  I went from feeling alone to being one of nine people I can think of immediately that had gone through IVF.  It was insane. There was a whole world of support out there and all I had to do was open up a little and I had people giving me answers to questions I didn't even know I would have. It was amazing and it was encouraging.  And all of those people I knew had found success and I knew one day, with time, we would too.  Most importantly I learned not to be ashamed or embarrassed of our struggle because it wasn't either of our faults, it just was. And we had to move forward with the hand we got dealt.  So talk to people who have gone through it, and if you're shy and not ready that’s ok.  There are so many online support groups that are a google search away.  The one i followed was the Shady Grove Facebook page.  It was full of success stories, articles about treatment process, testing process, etc.  Shady grove alone has helped over 40,000 families have babies in the US!  And it is proof that you are not alone and don't have to feel alone.

PC: Moonrise Photography

The last thing to remember is don't give up and follow your heart! Don't give up on what you want.  Don’t give up on yourself or on you're partner.  You are in this together and the best way to get through this is with each other.  Lean on one another when you feel like giving up and always remember you are stronger than you realize!  Talk to each other and don't hold back what your thinking or feeling because you are in this together.  Family and friend support is so important as well but your partner is the one who is going to be in the thick of it with you and they are going to be your biggest support.  And don't forget to listen to your heart and follow your instincts.  Only you know what is best for you and your body.  Listen to that gut instinct and don't ignore if something feels wrong or if you aren't ready for a certain step.  IVF is a lot both emotionally and financially and only you know when you are ready or if it could be right for you.  We were actually going to start this process a lot sooner, but life dealt us things and it forced us to wait.  And to be honest as hard as it had been to wait I would not have tackled things the same way.  I don't think I would have been emotionally ready and I think things would have been 100x harder on me and also on my marriage.  And remember regardless of where your own infertility journey takes you, listen to your instincts and I promise you will get through this!!