This week is National Infertility Awareness Week! It is a week really speaks to my heart. This week gives those affected by infertility a valid reason to share their story and use their voice to support others and help them not feel so alone. Building a family is not always easy and this week celebrates the courage of those who face this battle everyday.
Last year I vividly remember my blog post about this topic and felt like it was full of hope and full of optimism for our future children. I was just a month away from starting my second FET where we were transferring 2 embryos. This was what we had planned to be our last try and our hail mary. I felt so confident and sure that this was it. Our first fail had to have been just one of those things that timing was off and I knew that everything would be ok this time. The entire 2 week wait I was so certain we had had success. But when that beta blood test came back negative I was devastated. We both were. I lost hope and i completely lost the ability to keep being positive about our family building. I was so incredibly sad and didnt feel hopeful anymore. And through the years we have dealt with this I had never felt this way before. I am a newborn photographer and celebrate this kind of joy with clients every day and yet for the first time in my life that was a very real struggle. But it was a struggle in a different kind of way. I just felt blank and detached from the normal excitement I feel and I really focused on creating new setups and new ways to be creative to try and rekindle that joy. It wasn’t completely gone but I really had to fight to stay motivated and I really kind of shut down emotionally. I was fortunate to have found a great counselor who specialized in infertility who helped pull me out of the severe depression I was suffering.
Four months later we had our final try and transferred our final embryo. I truly don’t know how I felt about everything. Our June fail left me empty and put me down a road filled with anxiety and anger and hurt that I am still recovering from. Therapy absolutely helped but it wasn’t totally gone. The anxiety and fear of this not working was overwhelming. I was hoping for the best but really couldn’t picture either scenario, I really felt numb to the entire experience because I was terrified. I stayed as hopeful as I could but I was going into this still so heartbroken. I was tired of the shots and the hormones and I was overall exhausted with this process. This 2 week wait was different than all others yet looking back now, deep down inside I think I knew in June that Finley was our one and only. She was too much of a miracle and so incredibly special that maybe just maybe all of the strongest genes went to our one perfect baby. And when that final test came back negative I felt broken and so unsettled. This enormous chapter for us was now over.
I read an article the other night about how desperately we all want an answer or a scientific explanation for why certain fertility treatments don’t work when all of the science points to success. This is the painful truth that I and many other families struggle with. The why. Why did ivf work on the first try for us and fail 3 more times? My body loved being pregnant so what did I do wrong? What did we do wrong? Why did i have to experience the loss of 4 embryos after a success. Why did I have to have 4 more in the first place to experience the loss of them? Why did we have to spend all of that time and money and the physical sacrifice to be left heartbroken? These questions have been on repeat in my mind for months and I will most likely never know the answer. And living with that sucks. It is perhaps the most frustrating and maddening part of infertility. I can live with the physical pain, but that emotional longing and roller coaster of hope then loss is excruciating.
After our final transfer I went immediately into the busiest season in my year and I didn’t once stop to grieve or think about how I felt about everything. I thought I was grieving but I really just tucked it away and pretended like I was fine. Because how do you move forward? There are so many resources out there for people who choose to live child free, or choose adoption, or finally have success with a baby. But there isn’t much about how to cope with that loss after a success. And navigating life after infertility is painful. There are leftover feelings about that journey that don’t just evaporate. Losing that dream feels like you’ve worked your entire life to accomplish this one thing that you have invested your soul into and you wake up the next day and poof! That dream is gone and there is absolutely no reason and no recourse it’s just over. No closure, no reasoning, and life goes back to normal but you are not the same. Nothing about you will ever be the same. Because this is a defining moment in your life and only you can choose how to move forward. And what does moving forward look like?
For me, it has now been 6 months since we got that negative result. And in those 6 months it has been a daily struggle. I have had to grieve the loss of a lot things. The loss of my embryos, the loss of my dream for a bigger family, of a sibling for Finley, and the loss of being able to experience the magic of another pregnancy. I have also had to rethink what our future looks like. A life with one child is going to look very different than if we had another kiddo. I have also had to try and make peace with not knowing why we weren’t meant for another baby. I can be fine for weeks and then the stupidest thing will knock me to my knees in tears. Moving forward is scary and it’s tricky. It wasn’t until being quarantined that I really was able to FINALLY give myself time to grieve these loses and work through some of those emotions. Having a wild toddler running around certainly helps a lot but it is hard knowing she wont have a brother or sister to terrorize.
I think the most important thing I have learned going through this is that it is okay to be angry. It is okay to feel like you got robbed of life’s most precious gifts. Because I know I won’t always feel this way and I dont’t feel this way all the time. But when I do, I sit with it and then try to let it go. Letting go is the most important and yet the hardest part. A friend recommended I write a letter to each of my embryos to say goodbye and that was the best piece of advice I have ever gotten. And talk about your feelings. With a friend, your spouse, a therapist, whoever you feel comfortable with. You are allowed to talk about your pain, it’s your pain and no one has the right to make you feel like it’s not ok to hurt or to cry. And even if you have had success it’s still ok to feel devastated if you cannot build your family further. For me I felt guilty because I do have a perfect kid. BUT that doesn’t mean I cannot feel sad. I have had to learn that not every story has a happy ending and it’s not fair. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we dreamt. And it’s not okay, but I pray that one day it will feel ok.
No matter where you are in your family building journey just know you aren’t alone. And trust and pray that one day, maybe not tomorrow, or a month from now, or a year from now, but one day that hole in your heart will be filled. And most importantly celebrate getting through this messy battle. Infertility can make or break you and your marriage and getting through it is HUGE and should be celebrated. For us it made us stronger, love harder, and appreciate each others strengths even more. And each day we appreciate the gift of our baby girl even more. And always remember you are strong and you will survive this!
