National Infertility Awareness Week

Octobr 2019, we received the terrible news that our final embryo transfer had not worked, I vividly remember the shock, the grief, and the overall disappointment I felt. Not only for us as a couple but for our daughter who would never experience becoming a big sister. That pain hit us hard. It devastated us individually and also as a couple. It impacted us financially, and physically took a huge toll on my overall health. It impacted friendships and changed our entire outlook on parenting. I became a hovering helicopter mom in constant fear of something happening to my miracle baby. It truly became some of the darkest days of my life. I had never felt more broken and angry. Each failed transfer left me feeling empty and heartbroken, and by the end I felt like a shell of a human. Six months later when Covid hit I didn’t think I could feel any worse. I was going through the motions of the day to day but I was hurting badly. BUT with covid, came quarantine and a lot of family time with Jeremy and Fin. We were given a strange period of time where life seemed to pause and even stop all together. I felt like this time was given to us to process the last year and a half of treatments and come to terms with what a family with one kid meant. The transition of us all being home was tough but we were truly blessed with 2 FULL years of being home with our girl. Our day to day life transformed into an entirely new reality. It is a very rare thing to have both parents home to raise their child 24-7. We are both really involved in raising her, but the involvement in the day to day and watching your 2.5 year old grow was undeniably the biggest gift. This time allowed us to grieve the loss of our embryos and heal together as a family, and really embrace our family of 3 (plus our pup). We saw Finley’s vocabulary blossom and her personality reach new levels. While we couldn’t give her a sibling, what we could give her was a life that would be so unique to us. It helped me to find a comfort and a peace in our infertility diagnosis, and final outcome. And for the first time I was starting to feel ok with moving forward.

Yes I still feel heartbroken for my kid and I still feel angry sometimes knowing we cannot have more kids. I also still feel that fiery sting in my soul when im told I am lucky to have a kid at all. Because yes, I know that I am extremely lucky to have experienced the most incredible pregnancy. But I also know the damage this diagnosis did to us and how hard we fought for it not to destroy us. It was unfair and shitty, and everyone going through this is allowed to hurt and feel angry. I constantly must remind myself that this pain will slowly subside. But most importantly I know that our infertility diagnosis no longer dictates my identity. It no longer holds me back from celebrating the miracle we have. And gives me a new appreciation of being a mother, and also reminds me how strong we are individually and as a couple. This journey transformed out marriage in a way I could have never predicted when we got married, and it made us stronger and closer. And I would not change any second of it because it brought us Finley and the happiness we feel today..<3

SO during this week I encourage those fighting for their families to share their stories. You deserve to be heard. Reach out to support groups and dont be afraid to talk to a counselor. Ask questions, and advocate for yourself, and find a clinic that makes you feel heard. Treatments are A LOT to process and the hormones layered with the stress is like nothing you are ever ready for. But know you are not alone. And this part of your life will have an ending. And you will get through it. One way or another you will get to the point where enough is enough and you will learn to grieve and find peace in whatever the outcome may be. It may not be easy but you will survive it. Spreading awareness and supporting those who face this battle truly makes the difference. I can never thank the incredible nurses enough (you know who you are) for being with me every step of the way, the new friends and the clients I have met who we have shared and cried about our stories together. And for all the people who surrounded us with love, and mostly to Jeremy for being the most incredible partner though it all. And dont forget to keep fighting! <3

National Infertility Awareness Week 2020

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week! It is a week really speaks to my heart. This week gives those affected by infertility a valid reason to share their story and use their voice to support others and help them not feel so alone. Building a family is not always easy and this week celebrates the courage of those who face this battle everyday.

Last year I vividly remember my blog post about this topic and felt like it was full of hope and full of optimism for our future children. I was just a month away from starting my second FET where we were transferring 2 embryos. This was what we had planned to be our last try and our hail mary. I felt so confident and sure that this was it. Our first fail had to have been just one of those things that timing was off and I knew that everything would be ok this time. The entire 2 week wait I was so certain we had had success. But when that beta blood test came back negative I was devastated. We both were. I lost hope and i completely lost the ability to keep being positive about our family building. I was so incredibly sad and didnt feel hopeful anymore. And through the years we have dealt with this I had never felt this way before. I am a newborn photographer and celebrate this kind of joy with clients every day and yet for the first time in my life that was a very real struggle. But it was a struggle in a different kind of way. I just felt blank and detached from the normal excitement I feel and I really focused on creating new setups and new ways to be creative to try and rekindle that joy. It wasn’t completely gone but I really had to fight to stay motivated and I really kind of shut down emotionally. I was fortunate to have found a great counselor who specialized in infertility who helped pull me out of the severe depression I was suffering.

Four months later we had our final try and transferred our final embryo. I truly don’t know how I felt about everything. Our June fail left me empty and put me down a road filled with anxiety and anger and hurt that I am still recovering from. Therapy absolutely helped but it wasn’t totally gone. The anxiety and fear of this not working was overwhelming. I was hoping for the best but really couldn’t picture either scenario, I really felt numb to the entire experience because I was terrified. I stayed as hopeful as I could but I was going into this still so heartbroken. I was tired of the shots and the hormones and I was overall exhausted with this process. This 2 week wait was different than all others yet looking back now, deep down inside I think I knew in June that Finley was our one and only. She was too much of a miracle and so incredibly special that maybe just maybe all of the strongest genes went to our one perfect baby. And when that final test came back negative I felt broken and so unsettled. This enormous chapter for us was now over.

I read an article the other night about how desperately we all want an answer or a scientific explanation for why certain fertility treatments don’t work when all of the science points to success. This is the painful truth that I and many other families struggle with. The why. Why did ivf work on the first try for us and fail 3 more times? My body loved being pregnant so what did I do wrong? What did we do wrong? Why did i have to experience the loss of 4 embryos after a success. Why did I have to have 4 more in the first place to experience the loss of them? Why did we have to spend all of that time and money and the physical sacrifice to be left heartbroken? These questions have been on repeat in my mind for months and I will most likely never know the answer. And living with that sucks. It is perhaps the most frustrating and maddening part of infertility. I can live with the physical pain, but that emotional longing and roller coaster of hope then loss is excruciating.

After our final transfer I went immediately into the busiest season in my year and I didn’t once stop to grieve or think about how I felt about everything. I thought I was grieving but I really just tucked it away and pretended like I was fine. Because how do you move forward? There are so many resources out there for people who choose to live child free, or choose adoption, or finally have success with a baby. But there isn’t much about how to cope with that loss after a success. And navigating life after infertility is painful. There are leftover feelings about that journey that don’t just evaporate. Losing that dream feels like you’ve worked your entire life to accomplish this one thing that you have invested your soul into and you wake up the next day and poof! That dream is gone and there is absolutely no reason and no recourse it’s just over. No closure, no reasoning, and life goes back to normal but you are not the same. Nothing about you will ever be the same. Because this is a defining moment in your life and only you can choose how to move forward. And what does moving forward look like?

For me, it has now been 6 months since we got that negative result. And in those 6 months it has been a daily struggle. I have had to grieve the loss of a lot things. The loss of my embryos, the loss of my dream for a bigger family, of a sibling for Finley, and the loss of being able to experience the magic of another pregnancy. I have also had to rethink what our future looks like. A life with one child is going to look very different than if we had another kiddo. I have also had to try and make peace with not knowing why we weren’t meant for another baby. I can be fine for weeks and then the stupidest thing will knock me to my knees in tears. Moving forward is scary and it’s tricky. It wasn’t until being quarantined that I really was able to FINALLY give myself time to grieve these loses and work through some of those emotions. Having a wild toddler running around certainly helps a lot but it is hard knowing she wont have a brother or sister to terrorize.

I think the most important thing I have learned going through this is that it is okay to be angry. It is okay to feel like you got robbed of life’s most precious gifts. Because I know I won’t always feel this way and I dont’t feel this way all the time. But when I do, I sit with it and then try to let it go. Letting go is the most important and yet the hardest part. A friend recommended I write a letter to each of my embryos to say goodbye and that was the best piece of advice I have ever gotten. And talk about your feelings. With a friend, your spouse, a therapist, whoever you feel comfortable with. You are allowed to talk about your pain, it’s your pain and no one has the right to make you feel like it’s not ok to hurt or to cry. And even if you have had success it’s still ok to feel devastated if you cannot build your family further. For me I felt guilty because I do have a perfect kid. BUT that doesn’t mean I cannot feel sad. I have had to learn that not every story has a happy ending and it’s not fair. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we dreamt. And it’s not okay, but I pray that one day it will feel ok.

No matter where you are in your family building journey just know you aren’t alone. And trust and pray that one day, maybe not tomorrow, or a month from now, or a year from now, but one day that hole in your heart will be filled. And most importantly celebrate getting through this messy battle. Infertility can make or break you and your marriage and getting through it is HUGE and should be celebrated. For us it made us stronger, love harder, and appreciate each others strengths even more. And each day we appreciate the gift of our baby girl even more. And always remember you are strong and you will survive this!

National Infertility Awareness Week

Did you know that 1 in 8 couples will have difficulty conceiving or sustaining a pregnancy? That statistic is HUGE and a statistic that has drastically affected my life. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I wanted to take a minute to share a little bit about what this week means to me. I have rewritten what I wanted to say or share about 4 different times because this topic can be really tough for me. And as open as I have tried to be it has seriously impacted my life and my marriage and is still very much a struggle we continue to face.

This year feels very different to me and my feelings about our own infertility journey have really changed over the years. Last year we were riding the high of the birth of our little girl and felt like this was just the beginning of FINALLY having answers and being able to build our family. We had a long and hard road before finally starting IVF, but we had success with it! Success followed by a very incredible and smooth pregnancy. And all of that pain from an infertility diagnosis in 2014, to where we were now seemed to disappear the second I looked into Finley’s eyes for the first time.

It was the first time I openly talked about our struggle to get pregnant. It is also a lot easier to share about something difficult after you finally make it through the darkness. But our baby journey doesn’t end there. We still want a bigger family and there was no doubt in my mind that when the tug to build our family came back, that our results wouldn't be anything less than successful. It worked before, why wouldn't it work this time? What I wasn't prepared for was how to cope with a failure. Or how to accept the intense feelings of guilt and disappointment in myself like maybe I did something wrong, or ate something I shouldn't have, or didn't prepare enough, or didn’t get healthy enough this time around. I was also not prepared for all of those painful memories and emotions and doubt that I thought I had overcome suddenly resurface again. But this time throw in the feelings of shame because well we have such a blessing with Finley and how dare I be so greedy that I want another kid. This may sound crazy, but I cannot even count the times I have been told “at least you have Finley". Hearing this is like a punch in the gut because of course I am thankful for her every single day. But that doesn’t take away my pain or hope for her to experience a sibling and it certainly doesn’t make the disappointment of feeling like your body failed you any easier. It also doesn’t take away the giant pile of cash we just threw into the fire with nothing but anger and sadness to show for it.

There are so many tough conversations I have had play over and over in my head and for the first month after our attempt I really didn’t want to be around anyone. I was angry, and upset, and really just felt extremely resentful of the fact we had to deal with this all over again. I was never worried about adding another kid to our family, but now what if that doesn’t happen? How do I find peace in that and how do I become ok with that? Then of course you wonder how your spouse feels about it all. Because it wasn’t something that only affects me, he too is emotionally invested in this. I really tried to push away the things I was feeling because I wasn’t ready to answer these questions. All I wanted to do was hug Jeremy and Finley and cry and feel sorry for myself.

And I did that. For weeks. I had too, I had to let it out so I could move forward. Because one thing I have learned about being forced to deal with infertility is that this is not something I want to let consume my life anymore. For so long I lived and breathed the pain and anxiety of that diagnosis and it put our marriage into some of its darkest days. I felt like we paused our life and forgot what it was like to enjoy the little things. Jeremy and I have worked so incredibly hard on building up our marriage to a place where we can tackle any serious life event and only grow closer. We hit rock bottom emotionally in those early years of every month not getting pregnant and it sucked. I truly believe infertility has the ability to make your marriage or end it. And we made a choice and promise a long time ago to fight to the bitter end for each other and to choose each other every single day regardless of what we go through. So being the most incredible partner he is, he hugged me, bought me some champagne, and told me it was going to be ok. And we would get through this like we have gotten through everything else that has come before it. We have come so far together as a team and I needed to find a way to make peace with this failure inside myself so I that I could push on and be stronger for my daughter and for my husband.

So how did I snap out of this sadness? The first thing I did was join a Resolve Support group. And i took the toughest step of actually going to a meeting. I needed a place where I could cry and talk about how I was feeling but among people who understood the toll this road can take on you. From this group I connected with others who share in this pain of building their family but more importantly I found a group that understood what I was going through it because they too are in the thick of it with me.

I also really started journaling and when I get negative I have tried to turn each thing into a positive. Jeremy and I have been through some really tough life events in the last 8 years of marriage and I am trying really hard to focus on the positive that came from every single one of those things. Because I refuse to believe it’s all just random back luck. This exercise has really changed my mental well being and really made me feel much better about things not always working out the way you think they should. I have been able to unload a little baggage and most of the heartbreak so I can move forward and continue living.

I also threw myself into my business. I work my butt off every single day but I really just needed to be around clients who shared in this joy of celebrating their family. From day one that has been the most amazing way to cope with infertility. Some say I am crazy to focus on maternity and newborn because it’s a constant reminder of my struggle but honestly it just makes it that much more special for me to document. Because I know how priceless every photo I have taken of my family is and to give someone that gift is the greatest feeling of all. It is also the thing that brings me so much joy and inner peace. And every once in awhile I meet a mom and dad who also had their own infertility struggle and whether we have more kids or not I feel so incredibly lucky to continue to meet people who fought their fight to build their family in the way that was meant for them.

So during this week I ask everyone who may not directly be affected by infertility to take a minute and learn a little bit about it. Here is a great resource to gain a little understanding. Because the more infertility is talked about the more it doesn’t seem so terrifying or feel so shameful. It’s a road that is hard and looks so different to every person it affects and it should not be fought alone! And If you are someone who is dealing with this I would love to hear your story. Because you are not alone and I promise you will get through this.

~Laura

Finley on her 2nd transfer anniversary. Was during our 2 week wait and is my reminder that everything will be ok :)