Octobr 2019, we received the terrible news that our final embryo transfer had not worked, I vividly remember the shock, the grief, and the overall disappointment I felt. Not only for us as a couple but for our daughter who would never experience becoming a big sister. That pain hit us hard. It devastated us individually and also as a couple. It impacted us financially, and physically took a huge toll on my overall health. It impacted friendships and changed our entire outlook on parenting. I became a hovering helicopter mom in constant fear of something happening to my miracle baby. It truly became some of the darkest days of my life. I had never felt more broken and angry. Each failed transfer left me feeling empty and heartbroken, and by the end I felt like a shell of a human. Six months later when Covid hit I didn’t think I could feel any worse. I was going through the motions of the day to day but I was hurting badly. BUT with covid, came quarantine and a lot of family time with Jeremy and Fin. We were given a strange period of time where life seemed to pause and even stop all together. I felt like this time was given to us to process the last year and a half of treatments and come to terms with what a family with one kid meant. The transition of us all being home was tough but we were truly blessed with 2 FULL years of being home with our girl. Our day to day life transformed into an entirely new reality. It is a very rare thing to have both parents home to raise their child 24-7. We are both really involved in raising her, but the involvement in the day to day and watching your 2.5 year old grow was undeniably the biggest gift. This time allowed us to grieve the loss of our embryos and heal together as a family, and really embrace our family of 3 (plus our pup). We saw Finley’s vocabulary blossom and her personality reach new levels. While we couldn’t give her a sibling, what we could give her was a life that would be so unique to us. It helped me to find a comfort and a peace in our infertility diagnosis, and final outcome. And for the first time I was starting to feel ok with moving forward.
Yes I still feel heartbroken for my kid and I still feel angry sometimes knowing we cannot have more kids. I also still feel that fiery sting in my soul when im told I am lucky to have a kid at all. Because yes, I know that I am extremely lucky to have experienced the most incredible pregnancy. But I also know the damage this diagnosis did to us and how hard we fought for it not to destroy us. It was unfair and shitty, and everyone going through this is allowed to hurt and feel angry. I constantly must remind myself that this pain will slowly subside. But most importantly I know that our infertility diagnosis no longer dictates my identity. It no longer holds me back from celebrating the miracle we have. And gives me a new appreciation of being a mother, and also reminds me how strong we are individually and as a couple. This journey transformed out marriage in a way I could have never predicted when we got married, and it made us stronger and closer. And I would not change any second of it because it brought us Finley and the happiness we feel today..<3
SO during this week I encourage those fighting for their families to share their stories. You deserve to be heard. Reach out to support groups and dont be afraid to talk to a counselor. Ask questions, and advocate for yourself, and find a clinic that makes you feel heard. Treatments are A LOT to process and the hormones layered with the stress is like nothing you are ever ready for. But know you are not alone. And this part of your life will have an ending. And you will get through it. One way or another you will get to the point where enough is enough and you will learn to grieve and find peace in whatever the outcome may be. It may not be easy but you will survive it. Spreading awareness and supporting those who face this battle truly makes the difference. I can never thank the incredible nurses enough (you know who you are) for being with me every step of the way, the new friends and the clients I have met who we have shared and cried about our stories together. And for all the people who surrounded us with love, and mostly to Jeremy for being the most incredible partner though it all. And dont forget to keep fighting! <3