National Infertility Awareness Week

Octobr 2019, we received the terrible news that our final embryo transfer had not worked, I vividly remember the shock, the grief, and the overall disappointment I felt. Not only for us as a couple but for our daughter who would never experience becoming a big sister. That pain hit us hard. It devastated us individually and also as a couple. It impacted us financially, and physically took a huge toll on my overall health. It impacted friendships and changed our entire outlook on parenting. I became a hovering helicopter mom in constant fear of something happening to my miracle baby. It truly became some of the darkest days of my life. I had never felt more broken and angry. Each failed transfer left me feeling empty and heartbroken, and by the end I felt like a shell of a human. Six months later when Covid hit I didn’t think I could feel any worse. I was going through the motions of the day to day but I was hurting badly. BUT with covid, came quarantine and a lot of family time with Jeremy and Fin. We were given a strange period of time where life seemed to pause and even stop all together. I felt like this time was given to us to process the last year and a half of treatments and come to terms with what a family with one kid meant. The transition of us all being home was tough but we were truly blessed with 2 FULL years of being home with our girl. Our day to day life transformed into an entirely new reality. It is a very rare thing to have both parents home to raise their child 24-7. We are both really involved in raising her, but the involvement in the day to day and watching your 2.5 year old grow was undeniably the biggest gift. This time allowed us to grieve the loss of our embryos and heal together as a family, and really embrace our family of 3 (plus our pup). We saw Finley’s vocabulary blossom and her personality reach new levels. While we couldn’t give her a sibling, what we could give her was a life that would be so unique to us. It helped me to find a comfort and a peace in our infertility diagnosis, and final outcome. And for the first time I was starting to feel ok with moving forward.

Yes I still feel heartbroken for my kid and I still feel angry sometimes knowing we cannot have more kids. I also still feel that fiery sting in my soul when im told I am lucky to have a kid at all. Because yes, I know that I am extremely lucky to have experienced the most incredible pregnancy. But I also know the damage this diagnosis did to us and how hard we fought for it not to destroy us. It was unfair and shitty, and everyone going through this is allowed to hurt and feel angry. I constantly must remind myself that this pain will slowly subside. But most importantly I know that our infertility diagnosis no longer dictates my identity. It no longer holds me back from celebrating the miracle we have. And gives me a new appreciation of being a mother, and also reminds me how strong we are individually and as a couple. This journey transformed out marriage in a way I could have never predicted when we got married, and it made us stronger and closer. And I would not change any second of it because it brought us Finley and the happiness we feel today..<3

SO during this week I encourage those fighting for their families to share their stories. You deserve to be heard. Reach out to support groups and dont be afraid to talk to a counselor. Ask questions, and advocate for yourself, and find a clinic that makes you feel heard. Treatments are A LOT to process and the hormones layered with the stress is like nothing you are ever ready for. But know you are not alone. And this part of your life will have an ending. And you will get through it. One way or another you will get to the point where enough is enough and you will learn to grieve and find peace in whatever the outcome may be. It may not be easy but you will survive it. Spreading awareness and supporting those who face this battle truly makes the difference. I can never thank the incredible nurses enough (you know who you are) for being with me every step of the way, the new friends and the clients I have met who we have shared and cried about our stories together. And for all the people who surrounded us with love, and mostly to Jeremy for being the most incredible partner though it all. And dont forget to keep fighting! <3

THANKSGIVING WEEK AND HAPPY 27 MONTHS FINLEY <3

This week is a really special week for the Gooch house. Jeremy and I absolutely LOVE thanksgiving and actually started dating around that time (the 28th to be exact). This year we celebrate 11 years together on one of our favorite holidays. We also moved into our house 5 years ago on thanksgiving day. This house has seen a lot in those 5 years and we have shared a lot of ups and downs and some big and emotional life changes. For me personally, Thanksgiving always makes me feel hopeful and somehow rejuvenates me a little bit. We always decorate for Christmas early and both of us really try to savor the memories of our first holiday together and a lot of exciting family moments.

Thanksgiving 3 years ago we drove up to Rockville MD for my egg retrieval and were in full force of IVF. It was a really emotional time as we had just lost Jeremy’s dad a month prior and I think we were both so desperate for some sort of good news. If you know us we've had some bizarre medical mishaps that we finally had put behind us and losing his dad was an unexpected tragedy. In the span of 2 months we had experienced one of the most gut wrenching losses, followed by the most incredible miracles. Because five days later we transferred the perfect embryo and our gorgeous Finley was on her way home to us. Her embryo transfer was November 29th and a day that will forever bring the biggest smile to my face. But this year It feels a little different. Because instead of celebrating our family growing we are learning how to celebrate a new reality of us being a family of 3 (plus our little Layla pup).

Over the course of the last year we have tried so hard to build our family. And unfortunately we suffered through 3 rounds of failed cycles and losing all 4 of our remaining embryos. It has been a year of so much more pain and disappointment than I have could have ever imagined. IVF is hard to accept in general, but with each failure I felt like a little part of my soul was gone or lost. And that hope for another baby felt like it was slipping away. I was so ready for our final try and was so emotional going into it. This was it and there was really nothing else I could do, i did it all. We had just lost Oliver and I had to have hope that this last embryo was a fighter. But again, another failed pregnancy test and i felt my dreams of a bigger family come shattering down around me and I was and am devastated. There are so many complicated thoughts and feelings that constantly flood my heart and my head and this fall has been so incredibly difficult. Anyone who knows me or has worked with me knows I am not one to shy away from talking about our baby journey but this year has been a lot harder to share. After our second fail I really started to come apart and felt like I just couldn't be as available as I usually am. I became only mom, business owner, wife (sorry Jeremy) and I honestly have felt like I've been on autopilot trying to navigate these 3 roles without completely falling apart. I apologize to my friends and family who may have felt like I've gone quiet! I am still here I promise!

This year has also been by far my biggest most successful year for my business and it’s no secret I am a workaholic and this year I have worked the hardest I ever have in my life. I am sure sometimes I have over taxed myself physically but sometimes when I am grieving I try to use that hurt as a motivator to push myself into doing something meaningful. And being able to give people images of moments in their life with their family is really all that matters. The reward of this has been enormous this year and I am still in disbelief that I have hit so many goals I have had for my business.

So when I think about all these amazing anniversaries this week I don't think it was any accident that they fell on or around thanksgiving. Because I needed a reminder that everything is going to be ok. It has been a little over a month since we found out our last cycle failed I have not had one minute to breathe or grieve because I jumped head first into the busiest fall I have ever had. Some days I am ok and other days I don't want to get out of bed because I miss my dog and I miss the possibility of another baby. But this week also reminds me of how strong I am and how resilient I am. It also reminds me that I have the most incredible husband who has held me when I cannot breathe because I am crying so hard, who has found a way to make me laugh when it seems like all i do is work then cry. A man who is an unbelievable dad but also a damn good mommy when I cannot be home or I need a breather from mommying all day. This man who 11 years ago changed my life. And even now he continues to walk with me side by side through this hurricane we have gone through and makes me believe everything will be ok. While our hearts still break for the loss of our pup and the loss of our dream for another child he is here loving me when I feel like I am at my weakest.

I also am able to celebrate the most incredible little girl. Today she turns 27 months and in those 27 months she has brought Jeremy and I back to life in a way that only she could. She is a feisty, smart, and wild spirit who smiles more than anyone I have ever met. And good grief is she going to keep our lives so unbelievably full of excitement and spontaneity. As hard as this year has been for me emotionally she forces me show up and even when I want to feel sorry for myself she does something silly to snap me out of it. I think most people who struggle with infertility have a journey and an ending they didnt expect. And for me, our journey feels exhausting and frustrating to end in such a heart breaking way. But one thing I have learned through the last 7 1/2 years with this struggle in our life and it was to savor the good. I never believed my pregnancy would be the only one I had but I truly know I have captured and enjoyed every minute of that experience. So this week I am excited to hold my husband and baby girl a little closer and give our other sweet little puppy a little extra loving because they are my world and I am so lucky to have them. Happy Thanksgiving week to everyone who has followed me and supported me and my business. I am SO thankful to have met and been able to enjoy time with every single one of you and your families. Thank you thank you!! And now i am going to spam you with photos of Finley because I cannot get over how big she looks!!